Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Let me start off by saying how OVER the army I am. Second, I hate couples as of today. I am so bored with seeing them because it only makes me want Danny home safe more than I already do. I can't stand anything army related because it makes me think of how angry I am with it. I know they're just doing their job, believe me, I know. I just kind of wish it could be over with. I want Danny back home. I can't talk to anyone about anything because they don't know what to say. I mean, I wouldn't know what to say either if someone said they missed their significant other overseas, yada yada, because I'm not in there place to understand. I just don't like seeing couples who don't get along. I cherish every minute I have with Danny, whether he's leaving soon for a week or before his deployment or not. If you're going to be a couple, be happy together. If you're not happy, don't hang around and waste time. Life is far too short.

Everytime I think back about the memories I have with Danny, it makes me happy but then sad right after. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I thought in the beginning that I could handle a deployment because to be honest, I'm strong. Nothing really bothers me, I was never a little girl about things ever. I just do what I have to do and I do it independently. But now I'm beyond weak, I cry at everything, I miss him and think about him daily. I will never, ever be able to handle a deployment. You don't really handle it at all, there's not strategy to getting through this; but you just do it because you love them. You're going to be miserable. People told me stay busy... well news flash! I have two part-time jobs now, plus I am in school full-time. Do the math... that is all day, everyday busy! Even at work I still think about him and get sad. Even while I'm running nine million errands or doing homework or doing my duties at my jobs, I am thinking of him every step I take. I love him to death, and I hope he realizes I wouldn't just do this for anyone... This is hell.

I understand that what he is experiencing is ten times worse. If he reads this he'll probably think, wow, I would love to have your jobs and just be in school like a normal kid my age. I understand that what he's experiencing overseas is way more exhausting than what I'm doing, but we feel the exact same way. Nothing is the same for the both of us, we're both just drained, we're both tired of this way of life and we both just want complete normalcy again. I hate crying all the time. This is not easy. I hate talking/venting to people and all they say is "I know." They don't know, and that just drives me more crazy. I miss my monkey:( I'm just going crazy now! People tell me to look forward to the future and the good things that will come, but to me that just doesn't matter right now. I'm living in the present, not the future, and as of right now... well it  stinks. The only person who will be able to cheer me up is Danny. And the only way that will happen is for him to come home safely. I can't stand the fighting the happens between us because we're both annoyed, because I know that's not the kind of relationship we have. We aren't "that" couple who fights about every little thing and kisses and makes up, we just don't fight at all together. I'm not saying it's perfect, we have little bicker matches and two minutes later we're fine, but even that's rare. We get along like what we are, best friends. He's not just my boyfriend, and I actually hate that word because no one takes it seriously. This guy is my life, I have never felt happier than when I've been with him. He knows everything about me and we don't judge each other, we get along great. It's beautiful. And for us to fight like we have only when he's overseas, well that just makes me sad. It could be the tiniest thing that sets either one of us off. Taking things the wrong way, having an attitude and raising our voices are not like us. When we're together, we TALK if something is bothering us. Raising our voices is just disrespectful so we never do that. When he's gone, yep we do. I hate it. I just want my best friend home:(

I love you babe. To the moon and back

Photographs

The hardest thing is seeing pictures of Danny. I'm so good at putting on a front around people that no one can even tell he's all I'm thinking about. I carry a picture of him in my wallet so I can take it out and look at it whenever. I feel like everytime I see pictures of him, it makes things worse. That sounds bad... I don't know how to explain it. It's like a wound. When you get one, you don't want to look at it or else it seems to hurt worse. When you don't look at it, it's almost like it's not there. I love every aspect of Danny, but the army is what I want to not be there. I don't want this deployment. When I first started dating Danny, I knew he would be deployed. I figured to give it a shot and see if we'd even last a year later when he would get deployed and sure enough I fell in love with him quick. We're still together and I don't ever regret being with him, nor will I ever. But I didn't think facing a deployment would be this hard.

I know girls who will soon be experiencing a deployment, and I think I'm a pretty strong person. I don't really show emotions that things bother me so I figured this would be a cake walk. But those girls will be sorrily mistaken! This is and will be the hardest thing we ever face as a couple, and we're getting through it. Everything I look at reminds me of him. I know in my past few blogs I have mentioned "friends" that are better off away from me, and I don't regret those decisions either. I do things because I'm strong, I don't feel the need to hold on to friends who really aren't my friends because I'd feel bad or whatever. I have the best friends I could have right now, and all along they are the ones I have trusted to get me through this tough time:) I laugh every single day with them, but like I said I can hide feelings well.. I feel without these friends I have, though, I would never ever make it through this deployment. I'd be a hot mess. I just printed out a bunch of pictures of friends and me to hang in my room because I have only a few of friends and the rest are me and Danny. Printing out these pictures is a psychological thing for me, looking at them and Danny will make me 10x more happier than just looking at Danny's cute face (tehe) :) With mostly pictures of me and Danny from the past it hits me harder that he's gone and just makes me sad. Having more pictures of all my friends up keeps me going! I sure hope he appreciates these girls because I couldn't get through this without them!.. The 181 girls are good help too.

Now that Danny will never have to be at the OP ever again (for the rest of his time there this deployment) I get to talk to him every single day!! The weeks are flying by, and there are only 16 weeks left till he's home with me again:) It makes me happy that he doesn't have to be at the OP for weeks at a time. I'm not so worried about his safety because he made me promise not to be, but I feel worse that I can do whatever I please here while he's sitting on the top of a mountain with a bunch of smelly guys. I can get good food, I can have fun and go to places we both love, etc. Soon enough he will be home and we will finally have a normal life together! I love him more than anything, I sound like a sap now! He means the world to me and he should know that no matter what life throws at me, I'll get through it for him:)

16 Weeks babes!!