13 more days till Danny comes home! It's so weird, I've been counting down since like 90 and it has gone by faster than I thought. I mentioned that Danny and I always fought about one thing, and that was that I felt like he didn't care about me anymore (stupid, I know) because of how he talked. He is always either tired or mad at a guy over there or mad that he has to do the same boring stuff every single day. Since we've talked about it, he's been different. When he said he promised to watch his tone with me, he really has. It makes me happy again knowing that he really does love me and it's not me that he's really mad at. I also got a letter in the mail from him finally! It's from December 17th because they hardly send the mail out from the guys but once a month. It was before we even had problems with how he started talking to me, and it was the sweetest love letter in the entire world! He kind of sounded like a little boy, it was adorable:) In a nutshell, he told me how much he loves me and can't wait to have a normal life with me again and how he misses his family and mine. It was very reassuring! He said he is always bored when he goes on missions or to the OP and that it sucks...But if you ask me, boring is good! At least we know they're safe!
I recently got together with a few of the 181 girls and it was such a good time! I have never hung out with them outside the FRG meetings before and it was hilarious. It was comforting that we are all going through the exact same thing and we each knew exactly what the other was talking about. We didn't spend all night talking about military either, which was good. We all needed to let go a little bit! We played games, talked, laughed... Everything I needed with the people I needed! I can't wait for Danny to get home because he's the one person I need to see right now. He always helps me get through everything and he always is right there by my side. So since this is a huge experience in my life, I need him to be by my side right now. Since he can't because he's the major part of the experience, it's horrible. I'm not used to going through things without him, but this deployment is really making me stronger! It's making all of us a little stronger, and that will stay with us forever.
I have been doing something every single day since Danny has been gone. I've either been at school then going straight to work, or just working all day, or just hanging out with multiple friends everyday. Somedays I don't even want to constantly be with someone, and in that way I feel kind of pathetic but I just don't want to be alone for fear of breaking down and being sad again. And I don't talk about Danny much when I'm with the friends who aren't in this deployment like the 181 ladies, because they'll probably get sick of hearing it and I don't blame them! So when I'm with them, I have a good time and laugh with them and that is what makes the days go by quicker. It is nice hanging out with so many friends like I've been doing too, because when Danny was here I pretty much clung to him like crazy because I knew I had limited time with him, that was like a month before he left. It's great that I have good friends too, because with fake friends like I have had in the past, I would be miserable right now. It was out with the old and in with the new for me, and I couldn't be happier with them:)
I went over Danny's parents' house last night, and it was so nice seeing them. His parents are so comforting in everything I talk to them about, and they know how everything is as well because they're going through it too. It was nice to have a few laughs with them and just talk to them about everything, and catch up with what has been going on in our lives. They always ask if I have talked to him lately, and it cracks me up because I hardly do and they know just as much as I do! They just really care about their son and it definitely shows! They cannot wait for his arrival and they have already planned to cook a couple of his favorite dishes for dinner and take him to his favorite restaurants. I know Danny can't wait to eat normal food again at his favorite places! After I left Danny's parents' house I went over to see both of his sisters at their house. I haven't seen them in a couple weeks so it was nice catching up with them too! And Darren, Danny's nephew:) He's getting so big, Danny is going to be shocked at how much Darren talks when he gets home. I remember when Darren would try to form a sentence and just get out babytalk that no one could possibly understand. Now he forms his words and puts them together perfectly, he's so smart! Danny misses Darren like crazy!
I can't believe I am down to 13 days. It's going to be easy and hard at the same time. When I see the other guys get home to their girlfriends a little earlier than Danny I'm going to be so jealous! I can't wait to have Danny here and just hold him and know he's safe and we can have a regular life again for 2 weeks, but I'm sure army mode won't just shut off... That part will be interesting. I just hope he's his normal, funny self and is still able to laugh at things he used to laugh at. We will see! I'm slowly dying with excitement, ahhhh! :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Some People Wait a Lifetime...
Just like to start out by saying that there are only 17 days left till Danny's arrival! :)
As much bickering about stupid things that Danny and I do, we always make up like a minute later. I always knew what a special guy I have and I knew how lucky I am to call him my own. Talking to him this morning really made me look at him in a different way.
I can tell Danny truly loves me. He may get frustrated sometimes while he's overseas, but so do I. This is hard and we're both young. He always says that I'm 19 and I could be out partying and doing whatever I want, but instead I chose to be with him. He is entirely right. I chose to be with him because since day 1, he has proven to me that he is better and will be better than every other guy I ever meet. He goes above and beyond for me, and it's not by spending money because we hardly do that for each other. This relationship is based on pure love, and I'm so happy I found it. He will go out and buy me medicine when I'm sick without me asking. He will show up with flowers for no reason. He makes me feel so important in his life, and I never have a doubt about whether he loves me. I know he loves me because I can feel it even when he's not here. He always takes my side and protects me when I need him to. We've been through a lot of stuff since we've been together and one thing I can say about that, is that he hasn't left my side once and he believes in me. Our love right now is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.
I think about him all day, everyday. I picture what he would be doing if I were doing simple things, like washing the dishes he would automatically help me dry them and keep me company. Or if I walked into his room, he automatically opens his arms expecting a hug from me with a smile on his face. The one place I always looks, like I have mentioned in another blog, is my front door. If I'm sitting on the couch I can't help but to look at my front door expecting it to open, then impatiently wait for him to take off his shoes because I can't wait for my hello kiss. I miss him so much! Another thing I remember is just driving with him. I never cared where we went to eat or where he took me on dates, but driving was always the best part with him. He would constantly make me laugh "like a little kid," I would make him laugh, we could talk... it was nice. I miss our drives and I can't wait for more with him when he gets home.
He doesn't know how much I truly adore him. He has taught me everything I know. He taught me to be patient, to live my life happily, to get rid of the grudges I had because they don't matter, to choose my "friends" wisely, to be able to laugh at myself, to love, and to give myself more credit than I do. I feel like God sent him to me in the time of my life when I needed him most. He showed up and turned everything around for me, he had me under his spell since day 1. He's like my angel, he protects me from wherever he is in the world and guides me down the right paths. He looks out for me naturally because he loves me. I got so lucky with Danny, he doesn't know how much I love him and I hope one day I will be able to prove it to him. :) I tell him time and time again, but that only goes so far. I will always consider him as my angel. I will never do anything to ever lose him. Some people wait a lifetime looking for a love like this. I never thought I would find it, I am so blessed.
I'm in this for you Danny, know I will always love you!! We've gotten this far and we've been through so much, we can do this. Keep strong for me like I am for you and just remember I'm waiting patiently. I love you
As much bickering about stupid things that Danny and I do, we always make up like a minute later. I always knew what a special guy I have and I knew how lucky I am to call him my own. Talking to him this morning really made me look at him in a different way.
I can tell Danny truly loves me. He may get frustrated sometimes while he's overseas, but so do I. This is hard and we're both young. He always says that I'm 19 and I could be out partying and doing whatever I want, but instead I chose to be with him. He is entirely right. I chose to be with him because since day 1, he has proven to me that he is better and will be better than every other guy I ever meet. He goes above and beyond for me, and it's not by spending money because we hardly do that for each other. This relationship is based on pure love, and I'm so happy I found it. He will go out and buy me medicine when I'm sick without me asking. He will show up with flowers for no reason. He makes me feel so important in his life, and I never have a doubt about whether he loves me. I know he loves me because I can feel it even when he's not here. He always takes my side and protects me when I need him to. We've been through a lot of stuff since we've been together and one thing I can say about that, is that he hasn't left my side once and he believes in me. Our love right now is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.
I think about him all day, everyday. I picture what he would be doing if I were doing simple things, like washing the dishes he would automatically help me dry them and keep me company. Or if I walked into his room, he automatically opens his arms expecting a hug from me with a smile on his face. The one place I always looks, like I have mentioned in another blog, is my front door. If I'm sitting on the couch I can't help but to look at my front door expecting it to open, then impatiently wait for him to take off his shoes because I can't wait for my hello kiss. I miss him so much! Another thing I remember is just driving with him. I never cared where we went to eat or where he took me on dates, but driving was always the best part with him. He would constantly make me laugh "like a little kid," I would make him laugh, we could talk... it was nice. I miss our drives and I can't wait for more with him when he gets home.
He doesn't know how much I truly adore him. He has taught me everything I know. He taught me to be patient, to live my life happily, to get rid of the grudges I had because they don't matter, to choose my "friends" wisely, to be able to laugh at myself, to love, and to give myself more credit than I do. I feel like God sent him to me in the time of my life when I needed him most. He showed up and turned everything around for me, he had me under his spell since day 1. He's like my angel, he protects me from wherever he is in the world and guides me down the right paths. He looks out for me naturally because he loves me. I got so lucky with Danny, he doesn't know how much I love him and I hope one day I will be able to prove it to him. :) I tell him time and time again, but that only goes so far. I will always consider him as my angel. I will never do anything to ever lose him. Some people wait a lifetime looking for a love like this. I never thought I would find it, I am so blessed.
I'm in this for you Danny, know I will always love you!! We've gotten this far and we've been through so much, we can do this. Keep strong for me like I am for you and just remember I'm waiting patiently. I love you
Sunday, January 9, 2011
20 Days, Blog 5. Already?!
I cannot believe I'm down to 20 days till I see Danny again!! I think it comes with staying busy and trying to be positive. Today I had a mini panic attack because he stopped talking to me so abruptly and the last time he did that something bad happened. Luckily, a couple of the army wives helped me out by finding out if everything was okay with the men over there and everything is good! Everytime something like this happens, I can't help but to go in panic mode. A lot of the time I feel completely guilty because I know Danny needs for me to be strong and believe me, I am trying! But sometimes I can't help but panic even if everyone tells me everything is okay. I am scared for his safety every single day, just as much as he is I bet. When I get as worked up as I did today, every emotion possible runs through my head. Scared, guilty, sad, happy (for all the times we've already had together), excited (for him to come home to a normal life again), angry (that I can't be there to protect him), and back to scared. It's a rollercoaster! The army is messing with my emotions and I feel a little crazy sometimes, but crazy in this situation is normal!
His coming home is so bittersweet. I want him here for the two weeks, but I also want it to just be over with. Him being home is amazing because I get to see him in person and touch him and see him standing right in front of me, all while I know he is okay. I can't wait to take him places and give back to him what he has been doing for me for the past 3 months, protecting me. I want the two weeks also to just fly by. It's like giving a little kid a piece of candy and dangling it in front of them then just taking it away--it's just teasing me! Because as happy as we're both going to be for those two weeks, he has to leave and go right back for another 5. God, I still can't believe we're going through this together. This is harder than it looks!
Tonight I hung out with my friend Mary again, along with Jessica who is another friend from high school who I have reconnected with. It was so great spending time with them, they are truly amazing friends! They spent time with me and cooked me spaghetti for dinner and picked me up ice cream to make me feel better while I was in panic mode. Ice cream really does make everything better:) It was a really fun night with lots of laughs. Then when I came home I just got lonely again. The house was very silent, I came up in my room and I'm sitting here alone, blogging away. I wish Danny could be next to me watching TV and just laughing with me. I don't even care if we have to watch that God-awful show Lopez Tonight that he thinks is so hilarious, haha, I would give anything to sit through that and just hang out with him!
He's such a good guy. He's good to me, he's good to my family, he's good to my friends, and he's good to his family and friends. Finding someone like this is so hard! When we first started dating, I seriously questioned if he was too good to be true. I guess the only drawback I could find was the army. But it makes him who he is, and I will go through however many deployments it takes for us to be together. I will always be here for him, through thick and thin. I can't even understand what he's going through over there because it's still hard for me to, but I'm trying my best to be here for him. I wish he could open up and talk to me more about how he feels, but I know he's keeping it in to protect me. He's being strong for the both of us when I'm over here breaking down randomly. He's so strong and brave, I hope this deployment makes me more like him in those ways. I think I'm strong now, but he goes above and beyond in that category. I'm beyond proud of my soldier:)
I love you so much Danny, keep your head up hun. 20 more days till we can be together again! Forever and ever, to the moon and back. That's my promise:) xoxo
His coming home is so bittersweet. I want him here for the two weeks, but I also want it to just be over with. Him being home is amazing because I get to see him in person and touch him and see him standing right in front of me, all while I know he is okay. I can't wait to take him places and give back to him what he has been doing for me for the past 3 months, protecting me. I want the two weeks also to just fly by. It's like giving a little kid a piece of candy and dangling it in front of them then just taking it away--it's just teasing me! Because as happy as we're both going to be for those two weeks, he has to leave and go right back for another 5. God, I still can't believe we're going through this together. This is harder than it looks!
Tonight I hung out with my friend Mary again, along with Jessica who is another friend from high school who I have reconnected with. It was so great spending time with them, they are truly amazing friends! They spent time with me and cooked me spaghetti for dinner and picked me up ice cream to make me feel better while I was in panic mode. Ice cream really does make everything better:) It was a really fun night with lots of laughs. Then when I came home I just got lonely again. The house was very silent, I came up in my room and I'm sitting here alone, blogging away. I wish Danny could be next to me watching TV and just laughing with me. I don't even care if we have to watch that God-awful show Lopez Tonight that he thinks is so hilarious, haha, I would give anything to sit through that and just hang out with him!
He's such a good guy. He's good to me, he's good to my family, he's good to my friends, and he's good to his family and friends. Finding someone like this is so hard! When we first started dating, I seriously questioned if he was too good to be true. I guess the only drawback I could find was the army. But it makes him who he is, and I will go through however many deployments it takes for us to be together. I will always be here for him, through thick and thin. I can't even understand what he's going through over there because it's still hard for me to, but I'm trying my best to be here for him. I wish he could open up and talk to me more about how he feels, but I know he's keeping it in to protect me. He's being strong for the both of us when I'm over here breaking down randomly. He's so strong and brave, I hope this deployment makes me more like him in those ways. I think I'm strong now, but he goes above and beyond in that category. I'm beyond proud of my soldier:)
I love you so much Danny, keep your head up hun. 20 more days till we can be together again! Forever and ever, to the moon and back. That's my promise:) xoxo
Friday, January 7, 2011
22 Days!!
I can't even believe there are only 22 days left till I see my love! All I do is think about him day and night. I don't know if this sounds harsh or not, but when he's gone I appreciate him so much more. I came to my conclusion... I obviously appreciate Danny when he is home too, but when he is gone all I can do is miss him and think about the time when he was home and appreciate little moments I had with him. When he's home, I live in the moment. I remember every detail about every moment even if it's just a kiss from him. I don't sit there and think about how much I appreciate it, I'm too busy trying to replay it over and over in my head so that when he's gone again and I feel lonely, I can think back and remember that little moment. Maybe that came out wrong, but I'm trying to understand myself!
I remember the countdown when it was in the 86-ish range and it first began. Now that there are only about 3 weeks left for him to arrive, I keep planning what I'm going to say to him and what I'm going to wear and where we're going to go... but I'm pretty sure by the time of his arrival, that even if I have something planned to say to him, I will totally forget. This situation is all about living in the moment. You can't rush the future and you can't dwell on the past, or else you'll be miserable (believe me!). He's been SO good about being supportive and positive. I can't help to cry when I see him on Skype, I just tear up because I miss seeing that face back at home. When I cry he kind of just laughs at me because he's a boy and that's his natural reaction haha. I remember the first time I cried in front of him he smirked and chuckled a little bit and I was furious that he actually had the guts to do that to me! Now it is one of my favorite qualities about him, and whenever he knows I'm about to cry he smiles and chuckles a little bit. I adore it:) There are so many things about him that I love. The funny voices he does, laughing at me when I'm about to cry, dancing in his car while he's driving, making fun of me rapping to a song, and most of all when we just can sit together and watch TV and love every second of it together.
I can't even remember fighting with him when he was home. It seems we bicker so much more when he's in Afghanistan. You would think it is the other way around, but we both get so frustrated! We'll be all excited to Skype and see each other, then Skype loses connection to the internet. Or another thing, there is never ANYTHING to talk about! He was gone for over a week, and today was his first day back. I was so excited to talk to him, then after 10 minutes of talking his ear off there was nothing to say. He can't tell me much about what he did that day or has to do soon, so it's really just me starting conversations. There's a bunch of awkward silences and I probably tell him I love him a million times everytime we talk, because there isn't anything else to say. When he was home we would laugh together and make jokes and talk about anything, there was never a dull moment. I felt like a bad person when the conversation stops like it did today, till I talked to another army girlfriend and she said the same thing happens to her. Thank God! I felt like I was a bad girlfriend and that my relationship was crumbling or that I was boring or that he was mad at me. That's a huge part of the frustration, so I get mad easier and lose my cool. Which I won't anymore knowing that I am not the only one. It's good to have girls around who know what it's like, otherwise I would think I am the worst girlfriend in the whole world! It's hard understanding what the men have to do, and it's even harder understanding why things aren't the same as they were when the men were here (besides the obvious reason, they're not here!). I'm sure I'll become more and more understanding but I have never had to go through this before and I'm trying to handle it the best I can. I'm not Superman!
I'm just happy that Danny and I can always get through the bicker matches we have with each other, because we are both frustrated and tired. Somehow he always makes me feel better, even when I think some things are the end of the world. I love that we get along so well and I can't wait till he comes back and everything is back to normal between us. I know he won't be the same exact person as when he left, but we'll still get through it. It's like if we can get through this deployment, we can get through anything! This is the hardest thing to go through as a couple, and it is the worst thing that's happened to the both of us. We just both have to stay strong and count down the days! I'm happy I'm hanging in there, it makes me a little proud of myself. I never give myself the credit I deserve. All of my friends tell me I am crazy and I know I am, but I love my soldier:) I would never do anything to affect our relationship at all. He deserves someone strong to go through this, and I think I am a pretty strong person if I say so myself! All of the army girlfriends and wives are!
In the end ladies, we will all look back on this and smile knowing that we made it through something this insane. Love ya girls!:)
I remember the countdown when it was in the 86-ish range and it first began. Now that there are only about 3 weeks left for him to arrive, I keep planning what I'm going to say to him and what I'm going to wear and where we're going to go... but I'm pretty sure by the time of his arrival, that even if I have something planned to say to him, I will totally forget. This situation is all about living in the moment. You can't rush the future and you can't dwell on the past, or else you'll be miserable (believe me!). He's been SO good about being supportive and positive. I can't help to cry when I see him on Skype, I just tear up because I miss seeing that face back at home. When I cry he kind of just laughs at me because he's a boy and that's his natural reaction haha. I remember the first time I cried in front of him he smirked and chuckled a little bit and I was furious that he actually had the guts to do that to me! Now it is one of my favorite qualities about him, and whenever he knows I'm about to cry he smiles and chuckles a little bit. I adore it:) There are so many things about him that I love. The funny voices he does, laughing at me when I'm about to cry, dancing in his car while he's driving, making fun of me rapping to a song, and most of all when we just can sit together and watch TV and love every second of it together.
I can't even remember fighting with him when he was home. It seems we bicker so much more when he's in Afghanistan. You would think it is the other way around, but we both get so frustrated! We'll be all excited to Skype and see each other, then Skype loses connection to the internet. Or another thing, there is never ANYTHING to talk about! He was gone for over a week, and today was his first day back. I was so excited to talk to him, then after 10 minutes of talking his ear off there was nothing to say. He can't tell me much about what he did that day or has to do soon, so it's really just me starting conversations. There's a bunch of awkward silences and I probably tell him I love him a million times everytime we talk, because there isn't anything else to say. When he was home we would laugh together and make jokes and talk about anything, there was never a dull moment. I felt like a bad person when the conversation stops like it did today, till I talked to another army girlfriend and she said the same thing happens to her. Thank God! I felt like I was a bad girlfriend and that my relationship was crumbling or that I was boring or that he was mad at me. That's a huge part of the frustration, so I get mad easier and lose my cool. Which I won't anymore knowing that I am not the only one. It's good to have girls around who know what it's like, otherwise I would think I am the worst girlfriend in the whole world! It's hard understanding what the men have to do, and it's even harder understanding why things aren't the same as they were when the men were here (besides the obvious reason, they're not here!). I'm sure I'll become more and more understanding but I have never had to go through this before and I'm trying to handle it the best I can. I'm not Superman!
I'm just happy that Danny and I can always get through the bicker matches we have with each other, because we are both frustrated and tired. Somehow he always makes me feel better, even when I think some things are the end of the world. I love that we get along so well and I can't wait till he comes back and everything is back to normal between us. I know he won't be the same exact person as when he left, but we'll still get through it. It's like if we can get through this deployment, we can get through anything! This is the hardest thing to go through as a couple, and it is the worst thing that's happened to the both of us. We just both have to stay strong and count down the days! I'm happy I'm hanging in there, it makes me a little proud of myself. I never give myself the credit I deserve. All of my friends tell me I am crazy and I know I am, but I love my soldier:) I would never do anything to affect our relationship at all. He deserves someone strong to go through this, and I think I am a pretty strong person if I say so myself! All of the army girlfriends and wives are!
In the end ladies, we will all look back on this and smile knowing that we made it through something this insane. Love ya girls!:)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Friend or Faux?
I've clearly had enough time so far this deployment to spend more time with my friends. I hope they forgive me for constantly being with Danny, but I wanted to spend every waking moment with him because we never knew what it was going to be like when he left. I've been spending all of my free time with my friends, and finding out who is my friend and then who really isn't.
I went to high school with my friend Mary, and we haven't even seen each other since we graduated in 2009. We'd talk on Facebook occasionally and send texts here and there, but that was the extent of it. It's not that I wanted to lose her as a friend, but things after high school change and people go their own ways and drift away from each other. I was so excited when we recently started talking again! She came to me because she knew that in her situation, no one would really understand but me. She told me about her boyfriend, Pvt. Scott Introvigne who just left to Missouri yesterday for training and graduates January 18 as an MP. Then he will be stationed in NY, then going to Afghanistan for 15 months. Mary leaves in about three months for her basic training and boot camp in South Carolina, but doesn't know where she is going yet after that. Needless to say, her and her boyfriend are going to stick through this together. They will hardly even see each other except for a few days (hopefully) in July or early August. She has a million thoughts racing through her mind, and for not talking since high school this was really heavy to hear.
It amazed me that they are being so strong through this! Just when I thought I was in the worst situation in the entire world, Mary came along and told me what was going on in her life. I haven't seen her since high school, and I spent the entire day with her today because she needed to get out of the house and did not want to be alone. I was seriously so happy to spend the day with her because we didn't only catch up with funny memories in high school or what was going on in our life, but she is a best friend to me again. She supported me and I supported her. I wish I never drifted away from this friendship, but now it is back and it is here to stay! :)
On a different note, like in my last blog, I am finding out who my friends are more and more. I never thought I would be going through this, especially at my age. A lot of my friends are immature, whether they admit it or not, and don't understand it. When I say immature, I don't mean it in a bad way... we're only 19 and 20, there is a lot of room left for growing up. Being in a situation like this matures you faster than you may be ready for. So when I try talking to friends, there are different levels of importance between us. I just recently lost a friend of like 2 months because it was starting to get a little ridiculous. When I would go to her for support, she would talk about her boyfriend and, "Oh my God, I don't know what I'M going to do when my boyfriend goes through this next year, blah blah blah..." I understand that she didn't know what to say, but my impatience grew more and more when I would just try to talk to her. There were a million other factors that just made me not want to be her friend, but that was a pretty big one. Truly good friends are important during something as big as this, and I can't stress that enough. I really just thought it wouldn't affect me this much and I could get through it on my own if I really wanted to, but wow was I wrong! I'm happy with my 3 best friends right now, Rachel, Casey and Mary.
I have been best friends with Rachel since 6th grade. There was a time where we lost contact when she moved to Florida. I found out one year that her mother had passed away and the funeral would be in Massachusetts, so I showed up unannounced. I think the fact I did that made us both realize that we never lost each other and we would always be there for each other no matter what. We made sure to exchange numbers that time! We have been talking almost everyday since. Even living in Florida, Rachel has been so strong. She has been strong for the both of us, she tells me things I don't want to hear which is what I usually need most. She tells it how it is during this deployment, and I appreciate it so much more than she thinks. Without these three friends, I would not be able to get through this deployment. Rachel has gone through so much in her life, let alone the death of her mother, and it is inspiration for me. Casey knows exactly what to say to make me feel better while still being real, and Mary can completely relate to me even though she has so much ahead of her to experience.
Today was definitely a better day for me. There is never a moment that goes by where I don't think of Danny, and I hope he knows that. There are small things that remind me of him everywhere, no matter what. We've been going through a lot since the beginning of our relationship. Family drama on both sides, having no money at all when we first started out, this deployment, and more. It's hard to believe it's been only a year because it feels like it has been 50 with all the stuff we've been put through! All of it has made us stronger. All the tears, screaming, throwing inanimate objects... here we are today. I hope people get over the idea of this being just a fling because something this great will never just disappear. We've gotten this far, I'm pretty sure we can get through any obstacle life throws at us. :)
Every night before I go to bed I look at my favorite picture of us sitting on my nightstand, and pray. That's all I can do, and it's been working well so far! :) We really will all be okay in the end, all we have to do is believe and be strong.
I went to high school with my friend Mary, and we haven't even seen each other since we graduated in 2009. We'd talk on Facebook occasionally and send texts here and there, but that was the extent of it. It's not that I wanted to lose her as a friend, but things after high school change and people go their own ways and drift away from each other. I was so excited when we recently started talking again! She came to me because she knew that in her situation, no one would really understand but me. She told me about her boyfriend, Pvt. Scott Introvigne who just left to Missouri yesterday for training and graduates January 18 as an MP. Then he will be stationed in NY, then going to Afghanistan for 15 months. Mary leaves in about three months for her basic training and boot camp in South Carolina, but doesn't know where she is going yet after that. Needless to say, her and her boyfriend are going to stick through this together. They will hardly even see each other except for a few days (hopefully) in July or early August. She has a million thoughts racing through her mind, and for not talking since high school this was really heavy to hear.
It amazed me that they are being so strong through this! Just when I thought I was in the worst situation in the entire world, Mary came along and told me what was going on in her life. I haven't seen her since high school, and I spent the entire day with her today because she needed to get out of the house and did not want to be alone. I was seriously so happy to spend the day with her because we didn't only catch up with funny memories in high school or what was going on in our life, but she is a best friend to me again. She supported me and I supported her. I wish I never drifted away from this friendship, but now it is back and it is here to stay! :)
On a different note, like in my last blog, I am finding out who my friends are more and more. I never thought I would be going through this, especially at my age. A lot of my friends are immature, whether they admit it or not, and don't understand it. When I say immature, I don't mean it in a bad way... we're only 19 and 20, there is a lot of room left for growing up. Being in a situation like this matures you faster than you may be ready for. So when I try talking to friends, there are different levels of importance between us. I just recently lost a friend of like 2 months because it was starting to get a little ridiculous. When I would go to her for support, she would talk about her boyfriend and, "Oh my God, I don't know what I'M going to do when my boyfriend goes through this next year, blah blah blah..." I understand that she didn't know what to say, but my impatience grew more and more when I would just try to talk to her. There were a million other factors that just made me not want to be her friend, but that was a pretty big one. Truly good friends are important during something as big as this, and I can't stress that enough. I really just thought it wouldn't affect me this much and I could get through it on my own if I really wanted to, but wow was I wrong! I'm happy with my 3 best friends right now, Rachel, Casey and Mary.
I have been best friends with Rachel since 6th grade. There was a time where we lost contact when she moved to Florida. I found out one year that her mother had passed away and the funeral would be in Massachusetts, so I showed up unannounced. I think the fact I did that made us both realize that we never lost each other and we would always be there for each other no matter what. We made sure to exchange numbers that time! We have been talking almost everyday since. Even living in Florida, Rachel has been so strong. She has been strong for the both of us, she tells me things I don't want to hear which is what I usually need most. She tells it how it is during this deployment, and I appreciate it so much more than she thinks. Without these three friends, I would not be able to get through this deployment. Rachel has gone through so much in her life, let alone the death of her mother, and it is inspiration for me. Casey knows exactly what to say to make me feel better while still being real, and Mary can completely relate to me even though she has so much ahead of her to experience.
Today was definitely a better day for me. There is never a moment that goes by where I don't think of Danny, and I hope he knows that. There are small things that remind me of him everywhere, no matter what. We've been going through a lot since the beginning of our relationship. Family drama on both sides, having no money at all when we first started out, this deployment, and more. It's hard to believe it's been only a year because it feels like it has been 50 with all the stuff we've been put through! All of it has made us stronger. All the tears, screaming, throwing inanimate objects... here we are today. I hope people get over the idea of this being just a fling because something this great will never just disappear. We've gotten this far, I'm pretty sure we can get through any obstacle life throws at us. :)
Every night before I go to bed I look at my favorite picture of us sitting on my nightstand, and pray. That's all I can do, and it's been working well so far! :) We really will all be okay in the end, all we have to do is believe and be strong.
Monday, January 3, 2011
You Don't Know What You Have Till it's Gone
I'm going through tons of pictures I took for a family portrait for Danny and his family, and it's killing me. Just seeing him hugging his nephew Darren and laughing with his siblings and being his usual funny self is killing me. I'm forgetting the smallest things and I seriously feel like the worst person in the world. :( I forget what it feels like when he hugs me and I forget what it feels like when he kisses me. I hate not having him to be here with me when I want him here most. It's been way too long since I've seen him last and Skype certainly doesn't do it any justice.
I can't wait to be able to know that he's next to me again, or feeling him hold my hand just walking to the car after a date or doing little things like that. Other couples have no idea how lucky they are to be able to spend all day, everyday with each other. It seriously makes me feel like I'm a bad person because I don't remember what any of it is like. I don't know what I'm going to do at the airport, probably look stupid because kissing him and hugging him is going to be so new to me again! I can't stand the girls who tell me, "Oh my God, I won't be able to see my boyfriend for 2 days, what am I going to do?!"... Because honestly, I want to hit them. They are so lucky. If 2 days was all I have to worry about, I'd be more than glad to take on that task. I keep picturing the moment in the airport I see him over and over again in my head, and what all the other ones were like. And when I first Skyped him when he arrived in Afghanistan he told me something bothered him. When I dropped him off for his deployment to Afghanistan, it took me about 4 times to let go of him. Everytime he would walk away I'd tell him to come back and just cry in his shoulder. That's not what bothered him, though. He told me what bothered him was when we finally let go and he went through security and looked back at me to wave once more I was gone. He may not think so, but the fact that I did that bothers me too. And the fact that it bothered him that I wasn't there makes me feel worse. If I stayed there and waved for the last time when he was through security, I would probably have ran through security to jump on him and I would most likely be in jail! But even still it bothers me to this day that he was expecting that from me and I never came through for him. I wish I waved so I could have seen his face and smile one more time.
This is so hard. Writing about this is good, but it still is horrible. Whenever I have a problem with something or need advice, I went to Danny. He always knew exactly what to tell me, and sometimes the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. Everything he always told me was the truth, whether I liked it or not. We are so much alike, but so different too. He has taught me patience, something I never ever had (we can thank my dad for that genetic trait). He taught me things about my friends-- it's okay to lose them because some of them really weren't my friends. It was good advice that I always hated, but looking back it made me greater. He taught me a lot of things that I will never forget and life lessons. That's where we were different, because I learned from him. I'm sure I taught him some things too, or I hope I have... We are so much alike in our mannerisms and our jokes and things other people don't think are funny, you can count on us to laugh. I miss him making fun of me in little ways, like when I snort when things are really funny (it has to be REALLY funny for me to snort), or other embarrassing things I would never ever want him to repeat. Little things I just miss, and those are the closest memories to my heart.
Danny is a romantic. I don't care if this embarrasses him or not, it is true! He was never over the top or had to spend tons of money on me to get me to smile. He did little things without me asking, like surprising me with flowers on a picnic, or picking up my favorite food on the way home cause he knew I'd be hungry, or just sitting with me watching a sunset at the Quabbin Reservoir. We started dating when we were both broke, we were 18 and 19. Our first date, we decorated a Christmas tree. I brought an ornament I made that was this ugly heart made out of wire that took me like an hour to make! It is now with him in Afghanistan because I sent it to him, but he kept it all this time! :) I never expect him to spend a lot of money on me because he makes me happy in his little ways without spending a lot, so when he bought me this beautiful promise ring I wear everyday, I cried. I made sure to tell him over and over...and over and over that he doesn't need to buy it for me and we can find a cheaper one but he insisted! I told him a million times I don't need his money, etc. I think I made the point pretty clear but I felt so bad!
You never realize what you miss till it's gone and you can't have it anymore. I just want Danny to come home right now and cuddle with me till I sleep and feel him kiss me on the cheek goodnight, when he thinks I'm actually sleeping. He never sees the smile I have when he does that. :)
I can't wait to be able to know that he's next to me again, or feeling him hold my hand just walking to the car after a date or doing little things like that. Other couples have no idea how lucky they are to be able to spend all day, everyday with each other. It seriously makes me feel like I'm a bad person because I don't remember what any of it is like. I don't know what I'm going to do at the airport, probably look stupid because kissing him and hugging him is going to be so new to me again! I can't stand the girls who tell me, "Oh my God, I won't be able to see my boyfriend for 2 days, what am I going to do?!"... Because honestly, I want to hit them. They are so lucky. If 2 days was all I have to worry about, I'd be more than glad to take on that task. I keep picturing the moment in the airport I see him over and over again in my head, and what all the other ones were like. And when I first Skyped him when he arrived in Afghanistan he told me something bothered him. When I dropped him off for his deployment to Afghanistan, it took me about 4 times to let go of him. Everytime he would walk away I'd tell him to come back and just cry in his shoulder. That's not what bothered him, though. He told me what bothered him was when we finally let go and he went through security and looked back at me to wave once more I was gone. He may not think so, but the fact that I did that bothers me too. And the fact that it bothered him that I wasn't there makes me feel worse. If I stayed there and waved for the last time when he was through security, I would probably have ran through security to jump on him and I would most likely be in jail! But even still it bothers me to this day that he was expecting that from me and I never came through for him. I wish I waved so I could have seen his face and smile one more time.
This is so hard. Writing about this is good, but it still is horrible. Whenever I have a problem with something or need advice, I went to Danny. He always knew exactly what to tell me, and sometimes the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. Everything he always told me was the truth, whether I liked it or not. We are so much alike, but so different too. He has taught me patience, something I never ever had (we can thank my dad for that genetic trait). He taught me things about my friends-- it's okay to lose them because some of them really weren't my friends. It was good advice that I always hated, but looking back it made me greater. He taught me a lot of things that I will never forget and life lessons. That's where we were different, because I learned from him. I'm sure I taught him some things too, or I hope I have... We are so much alike in our mannerisms and our jokes and things other people don't think are funny, you can count on us to laugh. I miss him making fun of me in little ways, like when I snort when things are really funny (it has to be REALLY funny for me to snort), or other embarrassing things I would never ever want him to repeat. Little things I just miss, and those are the closest memories to my heart.
Danny is a romantic. I don't care if this embarrasses him or not, it is true! He was never over the top or had to spend tons of money on me to get me to smile. He did little things without me asking, like surprising me with flowers on a picnic, or picking up my favorite food on the way home cause he knew I'd be hungry, or just sitting with me watching a sunset at the Quabbin Reservoir. We started dating when we were both broke, we were 18 and 19. Our first date, we decorated a Christmas tree. I brought an ornament I made that was this ugly heart made out of wire that took me like an hour to make! It is now with him in Afghanistan because I sent it to him, but he kept it all this time! :) I never expect him to spend a lot of money on me because he makes me happy in his little ways without spending a lot, so when he bought me this beautiful promise ring I wear everyday, I cried. I made sure to tell him over and over...and over and over that he doesn't need to buy it for me and we can find a cheaper one but he insisted! I told him a million times I don't need his money, etc. I think I made the point pretty clear but I felt so bad!
You never realize what you miss till it's gone and you can't have it anymore. I just want Danny to come home right now and cuddle with me till I sleep and feel him kiss me on the cheek goodnight, when he thinks I'm actually sleeping. He never sees the smile I have when he does that. :)
My First Blog!
Well, this is my first blog. I got the idea from another army girlfriend who said this really helps getting out her feelings. I never thought that at 19, I would be dealing with something this heavy. This might be the best thing for me, just writing my heart out!
My boyfriend, Spc. Daniel Gramarossa, is currently in Afghanistan. I knew what I signed up for when I started dating him over a year ago, but I guess I just thought it would be easier than it actually is. I love him so much more than anyone can possibly know, even Danny himself! I know this deployment thing really sucks, but I wouldn't have it any other way. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. I met Danny over a year ago, and I was the girl crazy enough to stick by him even after he told me he'd be deploying on our first date! Pretty heavy to hear on a first date but I guess he just wanted to get it out sooner than later so I wouldn't run off and abandon him a month before he deploys or something! I'm glad I stuck by him, because this deployment has not only been strengthening our relationship, but it's making me a stronger person.
I have amazing friends who have been sticking through this with me. My best friend Casey has been there for me through thick and thin. I can call her and just cry and she'll tell me what I need to hear to get through this. I made this blog though, because not all my friends understand what I'm going through. It's natural, if they haven't been through it themselves, it is hard for them to possibly understand what I'm really going through. I have also met AMAZING ladies whose husbands and boyfriends are also in Danny's unit over in Afghanistan. It is extremely nice having the support of them, plus my friends. What I like about the 181 ladies is that they understand what I'm going through because they are going through it too, so what they tell me to get through rough times, I actually believe.
Not many people know what we actually go through. There was one time when there was footage online of a really bad explosion happened to Danny's camp, and I spent that whole day wondering if Danny was even living or not. I was excused from class because I couldn't hold it together. Everytime I don't talk to Danny I wonder what he's doing and I wonder if he's okay. Right now Danny is on an OP, and I haven't talked to him in almost a week. He called me on New Year's Day right after the ball dropped, but I only talked to him for less than a minute. That was the worst holiday so far. Thanksgiving and Christmas, I got through alright. Of course I cried a little, but on New Year's I just couldn't hold it together anymore. I watched on TV as the couples were kissing when it was the new year, and I just wished Danny could be with me. I felt even worse that he had to be in a desert on New Year's, was during Thanksgiving and Christmas as well. He will also be on his 21st birthday. I just want him so badly to come back to a normal life. The things he has seen, nobody should ever have to see in their entire life.
I pray every single night for him and for him to come home safe. When I say this is hard to my friends, or anyone for that matter, they have no idea. This is the hardest thing I will ever have to be going through in my whole life, plus another 2-3 deployments I'm sure. All I think about is Danny, whether I want to or not. His safety is the most important thing to me right now. I'm also happy his family is there for me. Mine is too, but it's hard for them to understand what I'm going through. Danny has 3 siblings, two older sisters and an older brother. Danny is the youngest, and I can't even imagine how his parents feel daily knowing that their youngest son who they remember as a little kid, is now in Afghanistan walking around with a SAW ready to fire at any given moment. It's hard to see his mom and dad tear up trying to be strong, when I know all they want to do is cry because they miss their son. They have to be extremely proud of him for being brave through this! I know I'm proud to say he's my boyfriend, and anyone else I've dated just looks so below him. He is an amazing guy, and for going through this just makes me more proud of him than I can even put into words. :)
My boyfriend, Spc. Daniel Gramarossa, is currently in Afghanistan. I knew what I signed up for when I started dating him over a year ago, but I guess I just thought it would be easier than it actually is. I love him so much more than anyone can possibly know, even Danny himself! I know this deployment thing really sucks, but I wouldn't have it any other way. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. I met Danny over a year ago, and I was the girl crazy enough to stick by him even after he told me he'd be deploying on our first date! Pretty heavy to hear on a first date but I guess he just wanted to get it out sooner than later so I wouldn't run off and abandon him a month before he deploys or something! I'm glad I stuck by him, because this deployment has not only been strengthening our relationship, but it's making me a stronger person.
I have amazing friends who have been sticking through this with me. My best friend Casey has been there for me through thick and thin. I can call her and just cry and she'll tell me what I need to hear to get through this. I made this blog though, because not all my friends understand what I'm going through. It's natural, if they haven't been through it themselves, it is hard for them to possibly understand what I'm really going through. I have also met AMAZING ladies whose husbands and boyfriends are also in Danny's unit over in Afghanistan. It is extremely nice having the support of them, plus my friends. What I like about the 181 ladies is that they understand what I'm going through because they are going through it too, so what they tell me to get through rough times, I actually believe.
Not many people know what we actually go through. There was one time when there was footage online of a really bad explosion happened to Danny's camp, and I spent that whole day wondering if Danny was even living or not. I was excused from class because I couldn't hold it together. Everytime I don't talk to Danny I wonder what he's doing and I wonder if he's okay. Right now Danny is on an OP, and I haven't talked to him in almost a week. He called me on New Year's Day right after the ball dropped, but I only talked to him for less than a minute. That was the worst holiday so far. Thanksgiving and Christmas, I got through alright. Of course I cried a little, but on New Year's I just couldn't hold it together anymore. I watched on TV as the couples were kissing when it was the new year, and I just wished Danny could be with me. I felt even worse that he had to be in a desert on New Year's, was during Thanksgiving and Christmas as well. He will also be on his 21st birthday. I just want him so badly to come back to a normal life. The things he has seen, nobody should ever have to see in their entire life.
I pray every single night for him and for him to come home safe. When I say this is hard to my friends, or anyone for that matter, they have no idea. This is the hardest thing I will ever have to be going through in my whole life, plus another 2-3 deployments I'm sure. All I think about is Danny, whether I want to or not. His safety is the most important thing to me right now. I'm also happy his family is there for me. Mine is too, but it's hard for them to understand what I'm going through. Danny has 3 siblings, two older sisters and an older brother. Danny is the youngest, and I can't even imagine how his parents feel daily knowing that their youngest son who they remember as a little kid, is now in Afghanistan walking around with a SAW ready to fire at any given moment. It's hard to see his mom and dad tear up trying to be strong, when I know all they want to do is cry because they miss their son. They have to be extremely proud of him for being brave through this! I know I'm proud to say he's my boyfriend, and anyone else I've dated just looks so below him. He is an amazing guy, and for going through this just makes me more proud of him than I can even put into words. :)
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