You Don't Know What You Have Till it's Gone

I'm going through tons of pictures I took for a family portrait for Danny and his family, and it's killing me. Just seeing him hugging his nephew Darren and laughing with his siblings and being his usual funny self is killing me. I'm forgetting the smallest things and I seriously feel like the worst person in the world. :( I forget what it feels like when he hugs me and I forget what it feels like when he kisses me. I hate not having him to be here with me when I want him here most. It's been way too long since I've seen him last and Skype certainly doesn't do it any justice.

I can't wait to be able to know that he's next to me again, or feeling him hold my hand just walking to the car after a date or doing little things like that. Other couples have no idea how lucky they are to be able to spend all day, everyday with each other. It seriously makes me feel like I'm a bad person because I don't remember what any of it is like. I don't know what I'm going to do at the airport, probably look stupid because kissing him and hugging him is going to be so new to me again! I can't stand the girls who tell me, "Oh my God, I won't be able to see my boyfriend for 2 days, what am I going to do?!"... Because honestly, I want to hit them. They are so lucky. If 2 days was all I have to worry about, I'd be more than glad to take on that task. I keep picturing the moment in the airport I see him over and over again in my head, and what all the other ones were like. And when I first Skyped him when he arrived in Afghanistan he told me something bothered him. When I dropped him off for his deployment to Afghanistan, it took me about 4 times to let go of him. Everytime he would walk away I'd tell him to come back and just cry in his shoulder. That's not what bothered him, though. He told me what bothered him was when we finally let go and he went through security and looked back at me to wave once more I was gone. He may not think so, but the fact that I did that bothers me too. And the fact that it bothered him that I wasn't there makes me feel worse. If I stayed there and waved for the last time when he was through security, I would probably have ran through security to jump on him and I would most likely be in jail! But even still it bothers me to this day that he was expecting that from me and I never came through for him. I wish I waved so I could have seen his face and smile one more time.

This is so hard. Writing about this is good, but it still is horrible. Whenever I have a problem with something or need advice, I went to Danny. He always knew exactly what to tell me, and sometimes the exact opposite of what I wanted to hear. Everything he always told me was the truth, whether I liked it or not. We are so much alike, but so different too. He has taught me patience, something I never ever had (we can thank my dad for that genetic trait). He taught me things about my friends-- it's okay to lose them because some of them really weren't my friends. It was good advice that I always hated, but looking back it made me greater. He taught me a lot of things that I will never forget and life lessons. That's where we were different, because I learned from him. I'm sure I taught him some things too, or I hope I have... We are so much alike in our mannerisms and our jokes and things other people don't think are funny, you can count on us to laugh. I miss him making fun of me in little ways, like when I snort when things are really funny (it has to be REALLY funny for me to snort), or other embarrassing things I would never ever want him to repeat. Little things I just miss, and those are the closest memories to my heart.

Danny is a romantic. I don't care if this embarrasses him or not, it is true! He was never over the top or had to spend tons of money on me to get me to smile. He did little things without me asking, like surprising me with flowers on a picnic, or picking up my favorite food on the way home cause he knew I'd be hungry, or just sitting with me watching a sunset at the Quabbin Reservoir. We started dating when we were both broke, we were 18 and 19. Our first date, we decorated a Christmas tree. I brought an ornament I made that was this ugly heart made out of wire that took me like an hour to make! It is now with him in Afghanistan because I sent it to him, but he kept it all this time! :) I never expect him to spend a lot of money on me because he makes me happy in his little ways without spending a lot, so when he bought me this beautiful promise ring I wear everyday, I cried. I made sure to tell him over and over...and over and over that he doesn't need to buy it for me and we can find a cheaper one but he insisted! I told him a million times I don't need his money, etc. I think I made the point pretty clear but I felt so bad!

You never realize what you miss till it's gone and you can't have it anymore. I just want Danny to come home right now and cuddle with me till I sleep and feel him kiss me on the cheek goodnight, when he thinks I'm actually sleeping. He never sees the smile I have when he does that. :)